The Way Forward Is Through What We Avoid

Why facing ourselves is often the beginning of change

There are times in life when things don’t feel right, even if, on the surface, everything looks as it should. You might find yourself feeling low, stuck, disconnected, or unsure of where you’re heading. For some people, it shows up as anxiety or a constant sense of pressure. For others, it’s a quieter feeling that something isn’t quite lining up, even if it’s hard to put into words.

It’s common, in those moments, to want to move away from whatever is causing the discomfort. To push it down, distract from it, or try to fix it as quickly as possible so things can return to normal. That instinct makes sense. Most of us have learned, in one way or another, that difficult thoughts and feelings are something to manage or overcome.

But what if those moments aren’t interruptions to your life, or signs that something has gone wrong?

What if they are the point where something important is trying to come into view?

In counselling, we often talk about the parts of ourselves we don’t fully see or acknowledge. You might hear this described as “the shadow”, although it doesn’t need to be understood in a technical way. It simply refers to the aspects of your experience that don’t easily fit with how you see yourself, or how you feel you’re expected to be.

This can include anger, sadness, fear, resentment, vulnerability, or even needs that have never really had space. Over time, it’s natural to push these parts away. Sometimes that happens because they weren’t welcomed earlier in life, or because they felt overwhelming, or because they didn’t match the version of ourselves we wanted to hold onto.

The difficulty is that these parts don’t disappear. They tend to show up in other ways, through patterns in relationships, strong emotional reactions, or a sense of being pulled in directions that don’t quite make sense. You might notice yourself repeating the same situations, or reacting in ways that feel out of proportion, or feeling disconnected from yourself without fully knowing why.

From a humanistic perspective, none of this is seen as something being “wrong” with you. It’s understood as part of being human. The work is not about fixing or removing these parts, but about gradually becoming aware of them, understanding them, and finding a way to bring them into your experience without being overwhelmed by them.

This is where the idea that “the way forward is through what we avoid” becomes important.

Often, the point at which someone considers counselling is when things feel at their most difficult. It can feel like hitting a low point, like something has broken down or gone off track. There can be a sense of failure, or a fear that things won’t improve.

What I have come to see, both in my work and in my own thinking, is that this point is rarely the end of the road. More often, it is the beginning of something. It is the moment where the parts of you that have been held back or pushed aside are starting to surface, asking to be recognised.

That doesn’t mean it feels positive. It often doesn’t. It can feel uncomfortable, confusing, and at times overwhelming. But within that experience is the possibility of something changing in a deeper and more lasting way.

Without that encounter, it’s very easy to stay within familiar patterns. To keep going in ways that feel manageable on the surface but don’t quite reach what’s underneath. Change, in that sense, can remain limited, because the parts of you that need attention are still out of view.

When those parts begin to come into awareness, there is an opportunity, not to judge them or get rid of them, but to understand them. To see where they come from, what they are connected to, and what they might be asking for.

This is not always straightforward. It takes time, and it can feel uncertain. But it also opens up something important: choice.

When you begin to understand more of yourself, including the parts that feel difficult or uncomfortable, you are less likely to be driven by them without realising. You can start to respond rather than react. You can begin to move in directions that feel more aligned with who you are, rather than repeating patterns that don’t quite fit.

This is where a different kind of strength begins to emerge. Not the kind that comes from pushing things down or holding everything together, but the kind that comes from being able to stay with your experience, even when it’s not easy.

Counselling offers a space where this can happen at your own pace. A space where you don’t have to have everything figured out, or say things in a particular way, or only bring the parts of yourself that feel acceptable. Instead, it becomes a place where you can begin to explore what’s there, with someone alongside you, rather than trying to navigate it alone.

For some people, that starts with something quite specific. For others, it’s a more general sense that something isn’t quite right. Either way, the process tends to move towards a clearer understanding of yourself and your experiences.

It’s worth saying that facing what we’ve avoided isn’t about making things harder for the sake of it. It’s about recognising that the difficulty is already there, and that turning towards it, rather than away from it, can begin to change how it’s held.

If you’re reading this and recognising something of your own experience, it might be that you’re already closer to that point than you realise. The place that feels like an ending can often be the place where something begins, even if it doesn’t feel that way yet.